Leadership in a Loneliness Epidemic: School Leaders Are No Exception to Isolation

Key Points

• School leaders are experiencing unprecedented stresses and a sense of overwhelm due to both the demands of the job and the additional pressures resulting from the pandemic.
• The result is a feeling of loneliness and isolation stemming from these pressures on top of bearing the sole responsibility of making difficult decisions that impact children’s lives. 
• Now, more than ever, it is imperative for all involved in school leaders’ preparation and professional development to prioritize emotional well-being.

For more than 20 years, we have worked with New York City principals to support the development of their social and emotional learning (SEL) skills and competencies through training and coaching. Our focus has been as much on supporting their well-being as it has been on teaching them social-emotional competencies through the Goleman framework and the RULER skills of recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating their emotions. With the help of a coach as a guide, they reflect on their leadership behaviors and the emotions that drive them and set goals for desired change.

Almost every leader we work with tells us how overwhelmed they are due to the increasing job demands. Some of these feelings result from the lingering stresses brought on by COVID-19, and some have existed over time. School leaders feel the weight of accountability from federal, state, and local politics. They also grapple with the scarcity of resources for families and children contending with poverty, violence, and homelessness; the surge in mental health issues; the disparities within the system; and the crises that erupt at home. Whatever comes into their school from the outside, or what happens in school, all this they are responsible for while ensuring that every child shows progress on literacy and math achievement tests. 

But more than the pressures imposed on them, they feel the loneliness and isolation of having the sole responsibility of making difficult decisions that impact children’s lives. They are alone, even with the best assistant principals at their side. These decisions take their toll on the leaders’ emotions, often detrimentally affecting their health and well-being.

National Mental Health Crisis

In May 2023, United States Surgeon General Vivek Murthy brought the country’s attention to a public health crisis characterized by loneliness and lack of connection. Indeed, the mental health challenges of our nation’s youth persist, which is precisely why we cannot forsake the mental health of some of the most influential people in their lives—school leaders, those in a paradoxically powerful yet isolating position. Without resources and strategies to manage their stress, school principals experience burnout.  Annually, one of four principals will seek early retirement or leave the profession.

As an emotion, loneliness is uniquely volatile. It is not simply feeling ‘bad’ when alone. Loneliness can be felt even in the middle of a busy, bustling school hallway on a Monday morning by the most powerful person in the building. Rather, loneliness is a lack of social connection. While any principal can understand the purpose, meaning, and profound responsibility of their position, if they do not feel connected and supported, their capacity drastically diminishes to the detriment of the school. These school leaders’ well-being is jeopardized by constantly fluctuating rules and procedures, teacher turnover, ‘culture wars,’ the rise of social media, and artificial intelligence. 

The emotionally intelligent school leader is aware of their emotions and has developed strategies to get through their day with a positive outlook. They recognize they are the rock everyone else in the school stands on. This emotional labor is valiant and necessary if they have outlets for their well-being. Within the confines of the conference room or the privacy of a coaching session, school leaders eagerly tell stories of the obstacles they face and the successes they accomplish. They let down their guard as they share their fears and worries.

“This Job Is So Lonely”

One of our coaches shared this story with us: “I met with veteran principal Carl last week. He shared that he was familiar with the coaching process and acknowledged that he had been looking forward to our sessions. He had participated in a coaching experience for the first time two years ago and found it very helpful. 

After we exchanged a few moments of ‘principal talk,’ getting to know a little about each other, I asked him, ‘So, what are you hoping to take away from our sessions? Are there any specific challenges that you’d like to work through?’ 

Carl lowered his eyes and said, ‘Truthfully, this job is so lonely; I just need to talk to someone who has lived this job, share some of my experiences, and get feedback. I’d like to tell you about some of the decisions I’ve made, the ones that keep me up at night.”

Former principal Dawn, now deputy superintendent in New York City’s School District 5, took us on a tour of her building last year. The expansiveness of her SEL program brought tears to our eyes. As we entered her building, we heard soft classical music piped throughout the building, providing a calmness felt by all. The hallways housed small centers with questions for the elementary students to reflect on their feelings. The children and staff members began their morning in the cafeteria, where everyone repeated affirmations about themselves and the positive day they would have. And, of course, the classroom SEL curriculum was evidenced by Mood Meters, writings, and drawings about their feelings. 

And yet, with all these amazing testimonials of the depth of her SEL work, Dawn revealed her unwavering commitment to giving everything she can to her children and families. This often resulted in loss of sleep as she answered emails and did pre-planning into the wee hours of the night. It is not uncommon for school leaders to put their needs behind the demands of students, families, and teachers under their charge. During her coaching session, Dawn envisioned what her school days would be like with more sleep. She devised steps to help her put away the cell phone before bedtime without feeling like she was responsible for her students and families during the night. 

Supporting Principals

We need to help principals realize that everything they do and oversee comes with a panoply of emotions. Unable to unburden themselves of their emotions on the job, they must seek ways to care for themselves and their loved ones, release the emotional labor of the day, and balance their personal and professional lives. Sharing their stories with their peers allows them to release the stored emotions accompanying their challenges; they get solace knowing they are not alone with those feelings.

Through one-on-one coaching and in job-alike, collaborative, safe spaces, leaders build and model their SEL skills. They recognize, understand, and regulate their own emotional well-being.  They express their feelings about the stress, exhaustion, and sometimes the despair they experience. They discuss their isolation and loneliness and share their questions and doubts about difficult conversations and decisions, inadequate teaching, malfunctioning systems, fear of making mistakes, and even the threat of losing their jobs. They reveal their need to learn how to handle critical incidents they have never encountered, emphasizing the crucial role of emotional support in their professional lives.

This is a strong call for action. It is imperative for all involved in school leaders’ preparation and professional development to prioritize emotional well-being. By equipping them with the necessary emotional skills and SEL competencies, we ensure their longevity in the role and bolster their resilience, enabling them to navigate the stresses and complexities of their position with greater ease. When they are socially, emotionally, and physically healthy, the schools they lead can thrive. The time to act is now.

The views in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of CASEL.

Janet Patti, Ed.D. is the co-founder and chief executive officer of Star Factor Coaching, a leadership development organization grounded in the latest science and practice of emotional intelligence. Star Factor Coaching has been working with leaders, schools, and organizations for over a decade. In Janet’s role, she leads the design and delivery of programs for leaders in education, healthcare, business, and related fields. Janet is also the co-author of Emotional Intelligence for School Leaders.

Robin Stern, Ph.D., is the co-founder and senior advisor to the director of Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and is a licensed psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience. She is the co-developer of RULER (an acronym for the five key emotion skills of recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions), an evidence-based approach to SEL that has been adopted by over 4,500 schools across the United States and in 27 other countries. Robin is also the co-creator of the Star Factor Coaching Model. She is the author of The Gaslight Effect, The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide, the co-author of Emotional Intelligence for School Leaders, and is host of The Gaslight Effect Podcast. 

Related Posts:

• Creating the Villages We Need
• What We Learned from Focusing on Adult SEL
• To Cultivate Adult SEL, Start Archiving Your Wonder

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